If you love me, you'll .
The Star (12 Feb 2012)

Parents beware, there is a new intimacy trend among young people.

THIS Valentine's Day, Lorna* will finally do it.

"My boyfriend has been bugging me . so after thinking long and hard about it, I've decided to do as he asked. It is a way of expressing our love for each other," says the secondary school student.

Times have certainly changed from when young couples showed their affection for each other by carving their names on a tree or class desk, or with the exchange of rings and love bands, or even clinching the various "bases" of sexual intimacy.

In this digital age, the hip thing is to share their passwords to e-mail, Facebook, mobile phone, etc.

The trend seems to have started in the United States.

According to the New York Times, the Pew Internet and American Life Project found that 30% of teenagers who were regularly online had shared a password with a friend, boyfriend or girlfriend.

The 2011 telephone survey of 770 teenagers aged 12 to 17 found that girls were almost twice as likely as boys to share their passwords.

Interviews show that it may have become widespread in Malaysia too.

Password abuse is the cause of a majority of social media account sabotage and hijacking cases reported to Cyber Security Malaysia, says the agency's responsive services vice-president Adli Abdul Wahid.

"Most of the time, the victim would tell us that he or she knew who the culprit was and how they got into their accounts," he tells Sunday Star.

Changing your password to keep the unwanted person out is simple, he says. Unfortunately, by the time most realise the danger, the damage is usually done.

Not sharing passwords with others is not a question of trust, alerts Adli, but rather a question of common sense.

"It is a question of keeping safe; you just never know. When things are good, it is okay to share passwords, but when they are not happy with you, they will go into your accounts and do stuff.

"When you break up, your ex may use your password to deface your account and embarrass you, etc. It is too risky," he cautions.

The stories of fallout include a spurned boyfriend who tried to humiliate his ex-girlfriend by circulating her "personal" pictures, the updating of false status on Facebook and sending threatening messages to friends or family.

And it is not just the "puppy lovers" who are sharing passwords.

Twenty-something designer Rozzie exchanged passwords with her boyfriend after they decided to get serious with each other.

"It's a sign of trust. We both have not gone into each other's Facebook or e-mail even though we have the password," she shares, admitting that she realises the risks should their relationship turn sour.

"It is more about what the gesture symbolises. I have nothing to hide from him, and he has nothing to hide from me."

It is trust with a capital T.

There are even boyfriends and girlfriends who create identical passwords, or matching couple passwords, for her and for him.

As Lucas Yeoh, 15, muses, sharing is caring.

However, the teenager says he would only recommend this to mature and faithful couples.

"When you share a password, there goes a big chunk of privacy. Haphazard couples are all too common in the teen world, and if things go awry, all hell breaks loose!"

Vivien Tang Chia Yen, 17, also sees nothing wrong with sharing passwords with one's girlfriend or boyfriend.

"But the stage of the relationship is important in this case. A password can pave the way for a lot of things - it can be good, it can be bad.

"So, before passing that password on to someone else, it's better to think three times about how much you trust that person. You're putting your reputation and possibly your future in that person's hands."

Another who says he "might" share his password with his significant other is Ashvin Singh Tiwana, 13.

"I feel there is nothing wrong with sharing your Facebook password with your boyfriend or girlfriend, or even any friend. It's like a symbol of trust towards one another. But sharing your password with a stranger or someone you just met, it's a no no!"

Too young

Comparing the pressure to share passwords with the pressure to "get physical" in a relationship, a school counsellor who only wants to be known as Nora worries that the average Malaysian teen is not equipped to handle relationships.

That is the main problem, she says.

"I am not even talking about hormones. It's about how they handle their self-respect and respect for the opposite sex as well as responsibility in the relationship."

This will affect how they behave online, especially when they break up.

She believes the trend may be difficult to stop, however, due to its "forbidden fruit" value. "It is exciting because it is against the rules and is generally discouraged by parents and other adults."

National Parent-Teacher Association Collaborative Council (PIBGN) president Datuk Mohd Ali Hasan is also of the view that many teens are too young for this "commitment".

"Admittedly, they are not too young (for relationships with the opposite sex) but they may be too young to share their deepest secrets - the good and the bad - with another person," he points out.

"Do they fully understand the dangers of human behaviour and human nature?"

While sharing passwords implies that you have full trust in your "other half", you need to consider the implication in short and long-term basis, he stresses.

"How long are you going to be together? Are you ready to have the other person know everything about you?"

It is too early for students to be sharing their passwords with their boyfriends or girlfriends, and it is too early for them to put their whole trust in another person, he stresses.

"At their age, they are still realising their potential and still looking for their own identity, so how well can they know another person? And if they break up, will they be ready to handle the exposure, humiliation and other consequences of having their ‘secrets' made public?" he adds.

Another aspect of coupledom that may be too hot to handle for many is the oversharing of lives online, especially the tension of scouring each other's private messages for clues of disloyalty.

Shameera Lin points out that it might lead to distrust.

"If you have a really strong relationship, why would you feel the need to check your partner's activities?"

Lucas agrees.

"Couples need trust and we can't just snoop around in each other's Facebook, Twitter or e-mail. It's like snooping in a person's diary and that's bad," he says.

As Adrian Chua, 16, puts it, sometimes people who are in a relationship just need to loosen up and be more trusting of each other.

Then there is the tension of monitoring one's own social media network accounts for abuse.

"The Internet contains imprints of one's self, anything said and done by your partner under your name remains there for eternity. What if a break-up ensues? What if your partner changes your password to sabotage your account?" says Shameera.

Ultimately, it is up to the individual to take control, says Mohd Ali.

Luckily, that is the good thing about the social media network, he highlights.

"The control is within you. You have to be disciplined and manage the use yourself, not let it control you," he adds.

Describing the technology as a double-edged blade, he advises, "It is useful but there are two edges - the sharp edge and the blunt edge. It is up to you to use it properly while taking care of your safety. If you don't use it properly, you will get hurt."

Still, they may need guidance from parents and teachers, Mohd Ali notes.

"The young people ought to think for themselves what is good for them, other people cannot think for them," he explains.

"But first, they have to learn about what good practice is online and how to use the Internet safely. They have to learn about what is wrong and right, and how to take precautions.

"That is the responsibility of all of us around the young people."